I have had a strange few weeks, feeling somewhat disconnected from all around me as I struggled to make sense of what was happening. A year of waiting. A year of limbo. I thought I was able to handle it, that I could carry on while the key player decided which route to take. And for a long time I have been able to but what I didn’t realise was it was draining every bit of self belief I had and I was running on empty. All the natural feelings - sadness, grief, disorientation, self-doubt. Waves of emotion as I constantly revisit events. Loneliness even in the presence of close friends. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day not the best at work. Would be nice if the loss of appetite was happening at the same rate. As usual I am focussing on my public image which is making it harder to accept the lack of control I feel as who wants to be around someone who feels as lost as I do.
I do know that when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we have two choices - compromise our own values or hope they will change. Truth is, unlikely that people change
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You are sadly right. The truth is that no-one changes. We can try and make it last for a while, but we will always slip back into our old ways - what-ever they may be. I know exactly what you mean by saying you are alone. The feeling of being so completely lost that nothing can fill the void is a strong one. I think it is because when we split from a partner, we have moulded ourselves to suit the relationship and therefore created a single being. It is like losing a limb when part of what is now ourselves cuts away. I know, you walk down the street and everyone is in a bloody couple (usually kissing and looking happy). I serves to make us feel more alone when we think that we are no longer a complete person. The grief is tangible and twists inside us. Suddenly every song has a deeper meaning (they all seem to be about relationships). I guess we have all been there at some point and we all know it will pass. It's shit, that's all.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, remember who you were before, because you were someone. You did it before and you can do it again. Just be kind to yourself in the meantime. You are allowed to cry and it is quite alright to let your mind wander. Do a post-mortem if needed, but you will know when you are on your way to getting better when you find no bad thoughts have passed your way that day. Until then, go with the flow - it's the only way to travel.
I have to disagree slightly with the comment above / below (whereever it may reside). Re changing, I spent many years running the same programmes in my head, doing the same things, making the same mistakes, getting the same results until I decided to get some 'help'.
ReplyDeleteI have spent probably about 4 years in 'therapy' which sounds much grander than it is, but basically I used to have counselling regularly, until more recently now I dip in and out of it dependant on whether I fancy it or not. I've become a much more confident, self aware, 'changed' person thanks to getting the guidance I need.
The life patterns that used to repeat over and over no longer do, but it isn't a walk in the park, it takes determination and strength - but what my point is, is people can change, if they really want to and with the right guidance.
I hear you.....but there is light....