For Kate

Yesterday was one of the proudest of my life as I watched Kate graduate from Sheffield. When she came into this world, my life was forever changed. When I held her in my arms on that cold March day, I decided whatever sacrifices and hardships I would face would be worth it. And I was right.

Kate, I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you. I've been given the opportunity to watch you grow from an incredibly cute curly-haired little Shirley Temple into a beautiful young woman. You have achieved so much in such a short time that it’s hard for me to keep track of it all. Only yesterday you were just a short chubby-cheeked little girl singing ‘I belong tae Glasgow’ to the astonishment of the playgroup and yesterday you graduated to begin the long hard slog to become a barrister.

Though it may seem to you that it’s taken forever to reach this point, it has happened all too quickly for me. Any sadness I feel knowing you really have left the nest is nothing compared to how happy and proud I am that you are so well prepared and dedicated to your dreams. Never lose sight of those dreams and never compromise anything to reach them.

Words cannot express how proud I am of you and how much I love you. You are my daughter, my first-born, and a true light in my life.

You are so beautiful, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I know, of course, that it hasn’t been simple and that the years ahead won’t be simple, but I am absolutely confident that you can handle anything that comes your way. You know you can always count on me to be there for you. And you always have a place to come home to.

how shallow

In true bird fashion a new haircut and some pampering enough to lift my spirits

waiting

I have had a strange few weeks, feeling somewhat disconnected from all around me as I struggled to make sense of what was happening. A year of waiting. A year of limbo. I thought I was able to handle it, that I could carry on while the key player decided which route to take. And for a long time I have been able to but what I didn’t realise was it was draining every bit of self belief I had and I was running on empty. All the natural feelings - sadness, grief, disorientation, self-doubt. Waves of emotion as I constantly revisit events. Loneliness even in the presence of close friends. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day not the best at work. Would be nice if the loss of appetite was happening at the same rate. As usual I am focussing on my public image which is making it harder to accept the lack of control I feel as who wants to be around someone who feels as lost as I do.

I do know that when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we have two choices - compromise our own values or hope they will change. Truth is, unlikely that people change

chasing away the blues

Woke up this morning got myself a gun. Not quite. Woke up this morning got myself the blues. Who better to chase them away than my old mukka Bella. I wont go into the whys and wherefores of why so blue as this is definitely not the forum but am finding it harder these days - probably self indulgent attention to anniversaries and the like and imagining everyone has their lives sorted and in the right place.

Anyway needless to say Bella was having none of it and within minutes (after a teary start) I was laughing, insulting and relaxing. In an attempt to help me with my new project - the photography group - she enthusiastically agreed to be my muse with her signature pose for the morning a slightly manic outstretched look of pure unadulterated joy at all around her. Infectious. We made an odd couple as both decked out in skirts and leggings combo _ in fact we nearly recruited some poor unsuspecting girl into our cult.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40297516@N06/

Kate home soon with Jim's parents giving her a lift and with impeccable timing the bloody car wont start. If I hadn't had my morning with Bella I'm sure that would have been my proverbial straw.