To Pete

You’re 18. That means in the eyes of the law, you are a man. You can go to war, be tried as an adult if you commit a crime, do your own thing (within reason), etc Where did the past 18 years go? It went so fast. Too fast. It seems like only yesterday you were born, a fine 9 pounder memorably summed up by the Scottish nurse on duty – ‘ahh you are the one who gave birth not to a boy but to a man’. And what a beautiful man you have become. Even now with the occasional teenage grunts and seeming inability to recognise a mess, one grin from you and my heart melts. I enjoy your company and in the past few years when it has just been you and me, your presence just sitting silently on the sofa makes me feel complete. The years to come hold so much. Ups and downs, to be sure. I am not fooling myself into thinking that there will be no struggles, but as always you should know that I am 100% committed to getting through those struggles with you and you growing stronger in the process.

You have never made me feel like you were lacking anything in your childhood and I hope I have managed to be the mum I wanted to be to you – supportive and loving and giving you the grounding to be able to have confidence in your abilities. It would have been so easy for you to have felt sorry for yourself with the hand you were dealt but never have you played the victim. I worry whether there are issues you keep to yourself. I hope not. Everyone who encounters you loves you and that makes me so proud.

Next year you will encounter a whole new range of experiences, make new friends and really start to grow up. I want you to know that now it is in effect over, your childhood has been a real gift to me and that through all the ups and downs of the last 18 years, I am so proud of you. Your beautiful eyes. Your infectious smile. Your sense of humour. I am your Number One Fan (well maybe tied with Kate) and always will be.

We’ve had our tense moments as mother and son especially recently with you growing into a man but ALWAYS AND FOREVER you are my baby boy .

twenty ten

Long time since I posted. Two months have passed. Christmas has been and gone. The country has ground to a halt after a few days of snow.

A friend commented that I didn't include a lot of the big things that have happened on here. Its tricky deciding whether this should be a baring of the soul. By its very nature you know that anything you put down here is up for public consumption and censure. I have avoided including the very personal or references to individuals. But does that make this an insubstantial record.

2009 a year of ups and downs. Sudden death which threw me for a long time. Proud moments as my first born graduated. Departures. Brief returns. It was all there. But alongside it was the realisation that the same person I became when I was on my own with Kate and Pete was still there. That Kate and Pete will always be the most important things in my life. They shore up everything I do. I am so proud of their intellect, their wit, their independence. And I made new friends. Reawakened old passions.

This week a gesture by someone I have never actually met touched me and made me feel very special. With very little knowledge of me, he deemed me worthy of generosity that added to my camera portfolio.

I wonder why the person who should be by my side never seems to see me as a person worth making effort and sacrifice for.