D Day (or thank you Bella)

I finally did the deed and went to have my molar out at the dentist. In a moment of clarity I cancelled the initial appointment to have an impression for a replacement tooth (cant bring myself to say false) as with Christmas approaching couldn't justify spending £200 on something I still didn't know was necessary. To ensure I didn't do a runner like last time took Bella along as my Dumbo feather. Knowing someone would be in the waiting room, would be enough to stop me bottling it. But more importantly it would stop me feeling alone - the fear was enough without adding self pity to the cocktail.

So I drove round to Bella's feeling remarkably chipper which confused my 'carer' somewhat as she was expecting a blubbering wreck. Instead we joked, mocked and made our way to the torture scene. And even as we took our place in the waiting room I had none of the bubbling feelings of loss of control as last time. In fact I did feel slightly ashamed as a 40 something man with special needs (never sure what the current PC allowed term is - that probably isn't it) who genuinely needed a carer sat beside me clutching an A4 piece of paper at the top of which was written his name, Simon then a picture of a clock showing 11.15 and a picture of a tooth and scraper (maybe unnecessary). He was obviously terrified which manifested itself in loud animal whimpers.

Anyway soon my turn so all human empathy evaporated and it was back to me, me, me. My petite Italian (not eastern European at all as I had thought previously) looked suitably concerned - probably wondering if she was going to put up with this middle aged cry baby again. I assured her I would behave and in true dentist style she insisted on asking questions that required more than yes or no answers while sticking a huge needle into my gum. I would like to say that I don't know what I was worrying about and hardly noticed as the tooth slid out but it was as bad as I had feared. Not painful granted but feeling someone seemingly try and push your tooth through your jaw and out the top of my head is not a feeling I think I will ever shrug off as one of those things. Admittedly not quite a scene from Saw but unpleasant nevertheless. All the while I am trying not to gag on my saliva while big Disney tears bounce off my cheeks.

Soon enough the bloody tooth is lying in the stainless steel kidney bowl while my mouth is packed with gauze. I grunt some form of thanks and walk with slightly wobbling legs into the waiting room and nod towards the door at my carer now turned chauffeur. Putting her sketch book away and bidding farewell to her new friends in the waiting room, Bella skipped out beside me hardly able to believe her luck that I would be confined to being a grunting mute all the way home.

And that is that. Even after the anaesthetic wore off, there was little to no pain. I have spent the whole weekend terrified of it getting infected or developing the innocent sounding but allegedly agonising dry socket syndrome so have been rinsing with corsodyl for England. Most importantly the gap is not noticeable at all - unless I decide to grin like a chimp.

Thanks, Bella

Camden Market

A day in Camden Town is one of my favourite ways to spend the day. A catacomb of shops and smells and characters and food stalls. Even better on a sunny October day. Gothic, Vintage, Tribal, Punk and any item that may be categorized as Alternative...you'll find it there.... A buffet of international cuisines.

We wander endlessly through piles of multi-coloured and multi-feathered hats, trunks and battered leather luggage that will soon become coffee tables, records, cds, winding racks of

outlandish faux fur... leather jackets to Hello Kitty sweatshirts to summer dresses, a myriad of shops selling everything in a really colourful, deliciously smelling, and crowded way. The novelty factor probably comes into play but I love spending time in London. I love the tube.

I love the cacophony of different languages that greet you everywhere. It feels like a real cosmopolitan city. And as if one market was not enough, as the november sun disappeared in the early evening we wandered to Portobello as they packed

away. The day was finished off with dinner at one of my favourite restaurants – the Grand Bazaar just off Bond Street. A tardis of a restaurant whose exterior belies the Aladdin’s Cave of lamp-lit Moroccan delicacies within.

Its a roller coaster

The last ten days - literally and metaphorically. Starting with my birthday which I think will go down in the annals as my worst one ever. Having started the week with a nagging toothache I had made an appointment on none other than my birthday. What was I thinking? She took one look at the offending tooth, took an x ray and pronounced it beyond help - well on the NHS at least. I had one option of seeing the specialist to see if it would respond to root canal treatment. And as luck (?) would have it he had an appointment free that afternoon. So another forty minutes sitting in the waiting room to be told the same thing - I could spend upwards of £500 but there would be no guarantee. So nearly an hour and a half later I emerged feeling consumed by self-pity only to find a parking ticket slapped on my windscreen. Yes I had managed to find the only bit of the road that was for permit holders only while everywhere else had two hours. It was the proverbial last straw and I sobbed like a good 'un.

But there were good times to come - two days later Peter and I drove up to meet Kate and Jimmy at Alton Towers and had a perfect day. Blue skies. No queues. Junk food and fast rides galore. Kate came home with us for the weekend and it was nice to have her home again if only briefly. And with Pete taking time off work, lunch at Las Iguanas and a horror film made for quality family bonding time.

But the spectre of the dentist could not be put off for long. And this Friday the extraction was nigh. Ensuring I was legally parked this time, I stocked up on ibuprofen and told myself the phobia was all in my head. So far so good. No magazines in the waiting room due to swine flu (wtf?!) so nothing to do but dwell on what lay ahead. One by one the four other people disappeared into the various consulting rooms, emerging with cheery smiles. And still my name wasn't called. And I could feel the self pitying tears welling up. And then I was on my own in the waiting room so there was no social obstacle to me blubbing. Dabbing in ladylike fashion at my eyes was not stemming the flow so by the time I went in, it was a full blown tsunami. The tiny pretty perfectly toothed Romanian dentist looked at me curiously 'Oh why are you crying?'. Oh I don't know maybe because you are about to rip a tooth from my head and leave me destined to be single forever, looking like a toothless Jeremy Kyle reject. (I should point out here that I know this is totally irrational). Upshot being she decided I was not in a good place to have a tooth out - quite when she thinks I may arrive at that place, god knows. So again I drove home peering through a veil of tears feeling totally alone. I needed someone. Someone to hold my hand. Someone to gently push me in the right direction. Someone to take over the decision process. Put simply I was tired of being responsible for everything - including me.

And that feeling of woe threatened to hang around until the saviour arrived in the shape of Bella who despite suffering the effects of a monumental hangover took me out to breakfast at the Castle where with Ellen and Pete we laughed and joked and mocked Bella's sufferings. And the self-pity receded as quickly as it arrived.

true friendship

I have always trotted out the same phrase that I make friends easier with men than women but the last two weekends have opened my eyes up to that not quite being the case. I think on one level men seem to get me more quickly than the majority of women I meet and socially it has always been easier to be in a male dominated environment than female - ironic given that I went to an all girls school. But I now realise that although I may not have hordes of female friends and be the Girl Most Other Girls Want To Be Friends With, the female friends I do have are very special and certainly without them the last year would have been a lot tougher. My midweek glasses of wine with Ros punctuate the long working week perfectly and we seem to be able to cover a myriad of topics every time. A lunch with Bella was funny and chat filled. And I am lucky enough that the photography club has thrown up not just people with the same hobby but a new friend who is as unpc and coarse as me - and brilliant at producing those communications which result in a coffee down the nose moment at work. Then a brunch with Hannah who I havent worked with for nearly two years but who is always so pleased to see me and me her. Next month should see a gathering of the Beccy High Crew - the five of us covering every statistic for our generation - divorces, marriages, single parenthood, high fliers, cruisers (me!). But no matter the interval between meets, we revert back to the five school girls messing about in the common room.

I am lucky to have some very good girl friends. Not forgetting my best friend.....

I love where I live

What a difference three months makes – back in July I was about to disappear into a slough of self-pity. The lows were definitely starting to win over the highs. This weekend sitting quietly for a few moments I suddenly realised I had a feeling I hadn’t felt for a long time – contentment. I have rediscovered my love of photography. After a weekend of the Arts Festival in Bradford-on-Avon, I was struck by how lucky I feel to live here. It is a lovely town with lovely people. Ironic given that my contentment with where I lived was flung in my face a year ago as if it somehow it made me a dullard with no sense of adventure. That said the accuser has spent the last 12 months away doing absolutely nothing that would come under the heading wild explorer preferring to while away their days in the haunts they grew up in.

I have joined the local photography club and as clichéd as it sounds it was enough to jolt me out of feeling lost. The first night I went though I sat outside for ten minutes summoning up the courage to go in. They are a good crowd. It was good for me to regain my sense of self again. And boy have I given my camera some hammer as a result. Downside – I am now toying with getting a new one as certain limitations on the Fuji frustrate me. Birthday coming up so maybe I will treat myself….

The arts festival was a great weekend. Sun shone from morning til late afternoon. I helped out with me new camera buddies with a Group exhibition and a competition. Snapping away in between. The theme of four seasons was most dramatically captured by the snow scene created in the library carpark – made all the more dramatic by the sun shining down on the fake snow while the kids played.

A perfect weekend. So inspired was I that when I got home I cleaned the house – may need to rein this in.

Lincoln Green

I drove Kate up to her new Manc abode on Saturday. Allowed her a lie in and didn’t leave until 7.30 instead of my usual 6 am departure slot. Really easy drive up and true to form the minute we crossed the border to The North the skies darkened and the drizzle commenced. Not that anything could rain on Kate’s parade as she could barely contain her excitement over the new flat – even skirting Moss Side as we got there. Along with the Amazon delivery man, pulled up at 11.30. Very interesting house – big Victorian pile, almost gothic from the outside. It was still cardboard box city in the flat – more so once we emptied the car. But a trip to Ikea yesterday and some strategically placed lamps and the place is looking like home. Sure the two of them will be very happy in the land of Ian Brown and Morrissey.

So just me and The Boy left at home. Poor Pete. He’s got a tough year ahead but hopefully the results over the summer will give him the jump start he needs to knuckle down and do as well as I (and so it would appear his history teacher) know he is capable of. Just need to teach him to make me a cuppa in the morning.

Stellify Ian Brown

I love this song. Not since James ‘She’s a star’ has a song seemed to sum up all I want someone to feel about me. I wanna be adored. And to make me feel good listen after listen. The plinking piano. The horns. The simple but blinding lyrics. The beat that can only be marched to in simian fashion. I still remember 20 years ago – Kate just a toddler, Pete not even a twinkle – going to visit Robert in Norfolk and him putting the Stone Roses on and asking when I thought it had been recorded. Twenty years on I hear the strains of Made of Stone or Fools Gold drifting from Pete’s room. A nostalgic sound for me. A relevant sound for Kate and Pete. A product of the time but simultaneously timeless. And twenty years on without any forced reunion or regurgitation of same old sound (sorry Noel), Ian swaggers on.

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,16290_5459772,00.html

she's leaving home

I finally pulled my finger out and organised a last minute barbecue to mark Kate's last weekend in Bradford before she leaves this weekend for her new flat in Manchester with Jimmy and a long hard year's slog on her continuing journey to become a barrister.

We had discussed having people round and I kept wavering - partly because of the continuing lousy summer weather and partly because it would be the first do I had hosted not as one half of team. And it was always something we were good at doing, hosting a bit of a do. Both the preparation, knowing exactly who would do what. And then as joint hosts, creating a relaxed atmosphere. The buck would stop with me whether it was a good do. As usual probably a bigger deal in my head than it would be in anyone else's. That said I wasnt doing it alone - Kate and Jimmy took responsibility for the barbie so I just had to do all the prep work and salads. While they sweated over the coals.

Kate is having her friends do on Thursday so this was my circle who had all had a close association with Kate as well. An eclectic mix - one things for sure I do not have a single 'type' of friend. Sheryll came across which meant a lot - she has been present at all milestones - births, desertions, weddings.. Some nice presents for Kate and touching cards (including a positive work of art from Bella).

Having worried over the weather, it held up and we all sat outside all night - a combination of beer jackets and probably noone wanting to say to me they wanted to go inside. Wine flowed freely and all in all a very nice evening. So in one fell swoop we had the first and last barbecue of the summer.

Considering the overflowing black box, felt remarkably human Sunday morning which was topped off with this summer's now traditional breakfast at Granny Mo's before waving goodbye to Sheryll.

Although this is Kate 'officially' leaving home, it feels so right from so many aspects that it just feels a natural progression. Kate is going to be doing something she loves, in a place she has come to love. And most importantly she is with someone who so obviously adores her and she him. Together they make an ideal match and everyone who meets Jim instantly likes him. They compliment each other perfectly - and most importantly he makes me laugh. When he comes to stay, it is so easy - blending in seamlessly. God knows Kate would be hard pushed to find someone else who would willingly indulge her reality tv habit. I may shed a few tears as I drop her off on Saturday but I have no worries that Kate is with the right person, in the right place, doing the right thing.

4 counties in one day*

Not the best at keeping up with this blog malarkey. Particularly as my last entries did indicate I was close to the edge.. Things are better. With each passing day I find myself able to be more objective about the situation - a situation which is as baffling to everyone else as it is to me. I do not understand the behaviour of the other key player - to be saying you want something daily but not seeming willing to make that happen. But I do feel more on top of things - something as simple as hitting the camera big time, enough to give me something to focus on ('scuse pun). I know I can end this limbo stage but right now I know I do not want that responsibility.

So the summer draws to a close. Weather wise a crap summer - cannot remember spending fewer days in the garden. I took this week off before the summer disappeared altogether. A week of pottering doing all those domestic goddess chores that I presume women who are either at home or have fewer slattern tendencies than me keep on top of. Some retail therapy naturally.


And time catching up with Bella. A 7am start yesterday saw us set off for a day by the beach down in Lyme Regis. I haven't been to Lyme Regis since I was in my early teens when a rare summer holiday for the Machins was spent not in the wilds of Sutherland but Bournemouth. It really is a lovely place and I am surprised I have not explored it more since living in the West Country. A real traditional English seaside feel. A great drive down, rolling hills, green pastures, peacefully grazing sheep, tiny stone churches and secluded cottages with thatched roofs.

Arriving just after 9, parked up and first stop hearty breakfast looking over the sea. Few ominous clouds on the horizon but not enough to dampen our spirits or non-stop conversation. Breathing in the smell of the sea, which you love so much and which, however hard it is to describe, you instantly recognize anywhere you encounter it.


We rambled through the streets, town gardens, beach and the literary Cobb, a huge curving breakwater of Jane Austen and French Lieutenants Woman fame. Chatting, laughing, taking endless photos. Naturally Bella found a fossil. Watching the throngs crabbing. The children enjoying the sand. Everyone seemed happy - there didn't seem to be the lobster-red, stroppy children contingent so evident in the bigger resorts. We spent the obligatory hour or so just gazing out to sea until the chill got to Bella's arthritic limbs! And before we knew it the day was drawing to an end and there was only one way to finish it - fish n chips on the beach. Delicious.




It is definitely somewhere I want to go back and explore in more depth. There seemed to be loads of fresh local produce and some wonderful independent stores selling local, ethical food.
An easy drive home despite Bella's ill-contained displeasure that we weren't playing her sound of choice - jungle.... I preferred to drive home to bluegrass, Fleet Foxes and The Foals.

A perfect day.



* we travelled through wiltsire, somerset, Devon and Dorset to get there

For Kate

Yesterday was one of the proudest of my life as I watched Kate graduate from Sheffield. When she came into this world, my life was forever changed. When I held her in my arms on that cold March day, I decided whatever sacrifices and hardships I would face would be worth it. And I was right.

Kate, I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you. I've been given the opportunity to watch you grow from an incredibly cute curly-haired little Shirley Temple into a beautiful young woman. You have achieved so much in such a short time that it’s hard for me to keep track of it all. Only yesterday you were just a short chubby-cheeked little girl singing ‘I belong tae Glasgow’ to the astonishment of the playgroup and yesterday you graduated to begin the long hard slog to become a barrister.

Though it may seem to you that it’s taken forever to reach this point, it has happened all too quickly for me. Any sadness I feel knowing you really have left the nest is nothing compared to how happy and proud I am that you are so well prepared and dedicated to your dreams. Never lose sight of those dreams and never compromise anything to reach them.

Words cannot express how proud I am of you and how much I love you. You are my daughter, my first-born, and a true light in my life.

You are so beautiful, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I know, of course, that it hasn’t been simple and that the years ahead won’t be simple, but I am absolutely confident that you can handle anything that comes your way. You know you can always count on me to be there for you. And you always have a place to come home to.

how shallow

In true bird fashion a new haircut and some pampering enough to lift my spirits

waiting

I have had a strange few weeks, feeling somewhat disconnected from all around me as I struggled to make sense of what was happening. A year of waiting. A year of limbo. I thought I was able to handle it, that I could carry on while the key player decided which route to take. And for a long time I have been able to but what I didn’t realise was it was draining every bit of self belief I had and I was running on empty. All the natural feelings - sadness, grief, disorientation, self-doubt. Waves of emotion as I constantly revisit events. Loneliness even in the presence of close friends. The impulse to burst into tears would hit me sporadically throughout the day not the best at work. Would be nice if the loss of appetite was happening at the same rate. As usual I am focussing on my public image which is making it harder to accept the lack of control I feel as who wants to be around someone who feels as lost as I do.

I do know that when we find a quality, which deeply matters to us, is missing in our partner, we have two choices - compromise our own values or hope they will change. Truth is, unlikely that people change

chasing away the blues

Woke up this morning got myself a gun. Not quite. Woke up this morning got myself the blues. Who better to chase them away than my old mukka Bella. I wont go into the whys and wherefores of why so blue as this is definitely not the forum but am finding it harder these days - probably self indulgent attention to anniversaries and the like and imagining everyone has their lives sorted and in the right place.

Anyway needless to say Bella was having none of it and within minutes (after a teary start) I was laughing, insulting and relaxing. In an attempt to help me with my new project - the photography group - she enthusiastically agreed to be my muse with her signature pose for the morning a slightly manic outstretched look of pure unadulterated joy at all around her. Infectious. We made an odd couple as both decked out in skirts and leggings combo _ in fact we nearly recruited some poor unsuspecting girl into our cult.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/40297516@N06/

Kate home soon with Jim's parents giving her a lift and with impeccable timing the bloody car wont start. If I hadn't had my morning with Bella I'm sure that would have been my proverbial straw.

end of an era

My last trip to Sheffield on Sunday to pick Kate up as she came to the end of her three years with a more than respectable law degree in her little hand. Usual dawn start for me to get there early and despite various matrix flashing warnings of junctions closed and coming on a RTA barely 10 minutes after it happened I was pulling up outside her door at 10am. A clash of emotions as for me happy to have Kate home for the brief two months before she starts her barrister training, but for her the end of an era. Three years that have seen her grow and form friendships that I know will last her for life.

Seems like only yesterday I was driving her up managing to fall out on the way as I was wrapped up in my loss at’ losing’ her and following the text book reaction of sobbing all the way home. For Kate the first day of true adulthood – for me what felt like the end of the only thing I have ever felt confident I have got right. I never imagined it would be so hard to let her go. But I have never had any doubts in her abilities and moreover marvelled at her total lack of fear at independence – something it took me years (if at all) to acquire.

the girl done good!

My first born got a 2:1* in law from Sheffield. Fair bursting wi' pride. A year of barrister training looms and then she'll be the littlest redhead on the circuit striking fear into criminals across the land.

* out of 300 graduates 3 got 1sts and 30 2:1s

another day another breakfast

Not content with fairly regular Sunday brunches, this morning I met Ros and Mandy for breakfast at Granny Mo's on the canal in Bradford-on-Avon. I suppose I should feel guilty that their





mighty nosh-up followed an energetic bike ride along the canal but life's too short for guilt. And it certainly didn't put me off ordering the full English.


With the sun shining an hour of people watching followed. Toddlers dicing with death at the canal-edge while their over-protective parents had mini seizures - often wonder how Kate and Pete made it to their teenage years. A canal boat of reasonably well behaved stags with one who seemed to think that being in the great outdoors meant brushing your teeth in full view of one and all and for an unfeasibly long time.






As Ros and Mandy continued their exercise fest, I headed off to the garden centre to indulge my latest obsession. Never thought I would get the gardening bug as to me gardens exist for one purpose only to lie prone in the sun with the only exercise page turning or lifting a gin. But having got someone to gravel the erstwhile weed jungle in the corner, seemed only right to add some colour which I have duly done. In the grand scheme of gardening it is probably akin to microwave ready meals as opposed to a hollandaise sauce from scratch but a girls got to start somewhere and I do feel quite worthy while I am doing it.



I actually started in Aldi where plants had been cheap the previous week. It may now be fashionable for ABC1 shoppers to frequent the stack 'em high, sell 'em cheap store but the Trowbridge branch is an extremely depressing experience. Nevertheless I did a completely pointless shop full of things you might want but would never need; the kind of stuff a stoned Chelsea girl might buy, when suffering a severe case of the munchies - chocolate chip brioche bread, smoked salmon and cheese.

Then it was off the to the more middle class experience of B&Q to stock up on plants which looked purty - again probably not the criteria a real gardener uses. All planted up - so now having done a modicum of exercise I will revert to my more usual garden past-time - soaking up the rays.